He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
