I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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