Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Randomize
