pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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