Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
