Your face is a jimmy john
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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