Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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