is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
