this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
