I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
