he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
