I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
