I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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