Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
