So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
