9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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