This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
