Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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