before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
