im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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