i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i think i just lost a toe
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
