I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
