She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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