I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
