my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
