Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
