He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
