Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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