she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
