I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
