I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
