Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
