dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
