so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
