there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
