Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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