Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
