I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
