Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
