Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
