i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
