the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
