I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just forgot I was standing up.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
