shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
