ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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