the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
