By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
