omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
