its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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