So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
