the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
